id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I don't deserve a penis
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
