we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Randomize
