I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
