She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I fill condoms, not promises.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
