Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
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