His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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