I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
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