You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
