If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Randomize
