Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
