My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
