she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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