so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
