I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
