So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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