Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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