I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
