I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
