Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
