The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
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My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
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red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
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