Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Found your dick twin last night
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
