you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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