Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
