Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
