lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Is Oprah even human
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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