life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
