Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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