Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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