Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
