My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
This is the prime rib incident all over again
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
