Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
