I wish I could teleport
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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