let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I'm just crazy horny about you
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
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