I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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