I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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