My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
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