i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
