Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Your cock deserves a montage
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
