Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
