They should really pass out barf bags in church
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
