i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
