this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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