remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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