Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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