The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
