im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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