Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
