Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
