well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
