don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
