I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
