Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
