Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
