Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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