Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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