Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
