so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
