It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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