Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
