i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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