Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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