So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
